01:10

You feel tired all day, yet come 1 o'clock in the morning your thoughts are running wild and you just can't close those eyes.

Feeling yourself slip back into the dark again isn't how you planned to spend the last few days. In theory I should be happy, I mean really happy. Yet I'm not.

I can't quite put my finger on it.

The last few days i've realised a lot. Whilst everyone is going off to uni, I made the decision to take some time for myself and attempt to 'figure out' what I want to do. But really, who does know what they want to do with their lives?! This is something I've really struggled with the last year or so. I mean how will something keep me interested for the rest of my life AND give me a stable career. I don't have the capacity to make a decision like that, Hell I can't choose what I want to fucking eat most days.
Although the pressure from school has been alleviated, no constant questioning of 'what are you planning to do with your life' has gone but somehow the whole situation is worse. I find myself alone most days with one thought running across my mind. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE.
Now I understand that I may never get to a point where I know, but hell I don't even know what step to take next. What direction do I go in? There are so many options and I am so unsure that I literally cannot make a decision. Its getting to a point where I don't want to make a decision incase I end up hating it because what would I do then? But at the same time it could be the best choice I've ever made.
Not knowing is the worst. It makes you contemplate everything down to your existence. And when people ask what you plan on doing, GOD does it make it ten times worse.
I am trying to figure it out, I am!
Its getting to me, badly. What am i supposed to be doing? Is uni the right choice for me?
I do know one thing though.
Sitting around waiting is not an option. You have to go and get. Waiting means time, time means thinking, thinking means slipping back into the dark and that is where I do not want to be.
I need to get back to the place where I get up and do, without worrying about what it might lead to or without thinking to far ahead.
Without sounding cliche, Tomorrow literally can bring anything. Your mentality can change a lot about your life.
I chose to be healthy body and mind. SittIng around feeling sorry for myself is not, NOT helping.
I chose to be happy, wherever that may take me

Love, Me